


Beardy Adventures

by WebbedUpKatanas



Category: Ultimate Spider-Man (Cartoon)
Genre: Crack, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-29
Updated: 2015-09-29
Packaged: 2018-04-24 00:59:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4899430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WebbedUpKatanas/pseuds/WebbedUpKatanas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Charlion and I had a conversation about beards and this was the result. It got weirdly pubertyangsty for a bit there, but mostly it's just silly!</p>
            </blockquote>





	Beardy Adventures

**Author's Note:**

  * For [charlion_em](https://archiveofourown.org/users/charlion_em/gifts).



Sam studies himself in the mirror for a full twenty minutes before he gives it up as hopeless.

Not that he isn’t extremely attractive. Because he totally is. He’s pretty much the hottest person on the team come to think of it, except for maybe Ava.

No, what’s hopeless is his chance of ever growing a real beard. It’s been longer than he’d care to admit, and he’s still only got a little bit of stubble to show for it. It doesn’t look bad per say, but it’s not the full glorious beard he’s been envisioning.

With a shrug he leaves, heading to Peter’s house for their team hangout day. It’s been a long time since he’s seen the rest of the team. It’s also been two days since he’s seen his boyfriend, having spent the weekend in Arizona with his family (thank Thor for having a speedy helmet to help him get there and back). And maybe it’s dumb to miss him after such a short amount of time, but Peter had barely answered any of his texts, and he’s really looking forward to seeing him (and maybe getting on his case about the whole no texting thing). 

Maybe he shouldn’t be looking forward to it, after all the last time they’d hung out all Peter did was bitch about him about how Sam had failed his last science test and how he needs to study harder, but whatever. This time maybe they can actually have some fun together.

When he gets there no one is around in the kitchen but Peter, and after a quick kiss he can’t help but blurt out the first thing on his mind.

“What the actual fuck Parker?! There is no way you grew that in two days! You look like a hairy tarantula!” he shouts, staring horrified (and definitely not at all impressed) at the beautiful beard on his boyfriend’s face. 

It’s not like a lumberjack, ‘I am a bearman’ kind of beard, but it’s definitely more than a person should be able to manage in two days. It’s like a perfect Henry Cavil in Man of Steel stupid hipster beard and Sam is so jealous it hurts. He’s the one who wants a hipster beard! He’s the one who deserves a hipster beard god damn it!

“What like it’s hard?” Peter laughs, knowing full well that Sam has been trying for forever, to grow one of his own.

Sam huffs, pouting at him.

“Yes! Do you have any idea how hard it was to grow this one?” he asks, gesturing towards his face.

Peter leans in close, stroking his own full beard as he squints at Sam’s face. “I dunno dude, are you sure you can even call that a beard? I mean I guess there’s kind of a sparse sprinkling of hair…”

“Ugh, shut up Parker. Just because I can’t grow one as fast as you with your freaky spider powers doesn’t mean it’s not gonna happen okay. I’m just, you know, a normal person.”

Peter raises an eyebrow, still stroking his stupid terrible lustrous beard. “Okay Sam. Whatever you say.”

He’s about to snap at him more when a voice from the doorway cuts him off.

“Sup dudes?” Danny says, walking into the room in only a pair of dragon boxers as he scratches at the tattoo on his chest. But the dragon isn’t what’s important right now. Oh no. What’s really important is what’s on his face.

Sam stares flabbergasted at the scruffy yet undeniably handsome beard on Danny’s chin and whines.

“I hate you both!” he cries out, only to let out an even more frustrated yell when Luke walks in behind Danny, also sporting a beard. “Fuck you!”

“Good morning to you too,” Luke says cheerfully as Peter gives in and starts laughing beside him.

“No. You’re all beardy assholes and I hate you. I’m going to hang out with Ava,” he says, flipping them all off and spinning around to stomp into the living room. His boyfriend and his friends are clearly all dicks. Ava is the only one he can really trust, and he thanks his lucky stars that at least she doesn’t have a beard to taunt him with.

“Hey Alexander,” Ava greets from her place on the couch, a cheshire grin painted on her face. Her perfect, beautiful, very bearded face.

What the fuck.

“Uhh what’s that on your face?” she asks, squinting at his chin, and Sam gives in and screams.

“Not you too! Ugh god I hate you all, I’m going to shave!” he storms up the stairs, ignoring the laughter of his stupid friends.

Screw all of them, and their real (and fake) beards.

He doesn’t head to the bathroom, instead heading to Peter’s room and slamming the door, shutting out the muffled sounds of them laughing for good. Maybe if they think he’s more pissed than he actually is they’ll feel like the jerks they actually are.

Still… he wonders where Ava got that fake beard from. It looked too good to be a dollar store buy. Unless of course it wasn’t fake? Maybe she got Dr. Strange to conjure her one up?

Maybe he could get Dr. Srange to conjure him one up.

He snorts, laying down on Peter’s bed, already trying to think up a way to get them all back.

He’s 90% sure this was Peter’s stupid idea, after all it has his name written all over it. And maybe on some other day he’d think it was funny too but he’d been woken up at six am to get yelled at by Fury for flubbing his last mission and… well lately Peter has been kind of an asshole. It’s like he’s been going out of his way lately to criticize him about every little thing, and for some weird reason this beard thing is what stings the most.

“Oh hey Sam,” Peter says, opening the door without knocking. “I see you shaved that stubble off. Probably for the best dude.”

“Haha, you’re hilarious Webs,” Sam huffs, glaring daggers at him. Peter smirks, coming over to sit at the foot of the bed and squinting up at him for a moment.

“Oh! Oh… my bad. It’s still there. I thought it was just a shadow.”

Something about the way Peter is dragging this out, something about the stupid smug look on his stupid bearded face, something about the way he isn’t dropping this despite the slammed door just rubs Sam the wrong way. Suddenly a mildly funny friendly little prank doesn’t feel so friendly or so funny anymore.

“You know what? Fuck you,” Sam says, moving so suddenly to stand that Peter actually flinches a little. Still, that doesn’t stop him from following him as he stomps his way to the bathroom and rustles around in the drawers.

“Whatcha doing?” Peter asks, leaning against the doorframe casually.

“I’m shaving.”

Sam’s answer is curt, bitten out from between clenched teeth as he slams the shaving cream and razor down on the counter.

He can tell from the snort that whatever Peter is about to say is going to piss him off. And sure enough Peter doesn’t disappoint.

“Why? Is there even enough there to shave off?”

Sam closes his eyes, taking a deep breath.

“I get it alright,” he says, surprised at how cold and calm he sounds when he feels like his anger is boiling him up from the inside. “You’re better at growing a beard than me. You don’t have to keep rubbing it in. You’re better at beards, and you’re better at paroling and you’re better at school because I’m the stupidest person on the team and I can barely keep my grades up. You’re better at me than everything, I fucking get it okay?! Can you just leave me alone so I can shave this pathetic thing off of my face and we can move on already?”

“Sam…” Peter’s face falls faster than he had last week when he forgot to refill his webfluid and Sam had been forced to save his ass.

Part of Sam feels vindictively glad, but mostly he’d rather Peter just leave than pity him for being upset over something so ridiculous.

“Whatever Parker, just go away.”

“No Sam… I’m sorry. I didn’t realize this would upset you,” Peter says, sounding so stupidly sincere that it makes Sam want to punch him. It also makes his eyes sting, but there’s no way he’s going to cry in front of Peter.

“Yeah well it doesn’t matter. I’m shaving and it’s over. Can you please just leave now?” he says, splashing his face with water in hopes it might help.

“No. I… I upset you. I want to fix this. Sam please. You have to know I really don’t think I’m better than you, right?” he replies, moving closer to place his hand on Sam’s shoulder.

Sam can’t stand him touching him right now. He really can’t.

“Leave me alone,” he says, his voice cracking as the first hot tears overflow. He shrugs Peter’s hand off and turns away, but he isn’t fast enough.

“Sam,” Peter says, sounding heartbroken. “Please. Don’t- shit don’t cry. I’m really sorry.”

Peter wraps his arms around his shoulders from behind, and no matter how stiff and unreceptive Sam is he doubts Peter will let go unless he tries to push him off or tells him to. And he would… but even now when he feels like absolute trash, he can’t help but love how it feels to have Peter’s arms around him.

“It doesn’t matter,” he manages to say, though he hates how wobbly and thick his voice sounds. “It’s fine. I know you’re better than me and I don’t care but I just… why do you always have to be such a jerk about it?”

Peter makes a sad little noise and tightens his grip around Sam.

“I’m not. Sam really I’m not better than you. Sam you’re the best hero I know, and the best person too. And you try harder than anyone I know at so many things, and I love that about you okay? I’m definitely not better than you at all. I’m actually pretty awful if I’ve been making you feel like this,” he says, sounding pained. “I’m sorry. I thought I was just joking, but obviously I’ve just been being a huge dick.”

“Yeah,” Sam laughs wetly. “Kinda.”

When he turns to look Peter is grinning sadly at that, and he finally allows himself to relax into his arms. Peter nuzzles his face against his hair and presses a quick kiss against his head, “If you want me to stop joking-”

“Nah,” Sam says, wiping his eyes. “It’s fine just… maybe do it a bit less? I like the teasing thing we’ve got going on.”

“Okay,” Peter nods seriously. Then with another squeeze he stands up and moves to the sink, splashing water on his face.

“What are you doing?” Sam gazes up at him, confused.

Peter shrugs, grinning down at him as he picks up the can of shaving cream. “I’m shaving this stupid beard off. I look awful with a beard, and it’s itchy as hell.”

“You do kinda look terrible,” Sam agrees, standing up and moving to wrap his arms around Peter’s waist, resting his chin on his shoulder. “Like an old hillbilly.”

Peter laughs. “Wow thanks Sam.”

“Welcome Webs,” he replies, already feeling so much better as he watches Peter shave his face back to smoothness.

“You got another razor?” Sam asks as Peter towels off, making his pause and look up.

“Wait, you aren’t going to shave are you?!” he asks, sounding almost… distressed?

“Uh yeah?? I mean you were kinda right, there’s not much point in keeping my facial hair.” He shrugs as Peter tosses his towel over the shower bar and turns to face him frowning.

“You should probably just keep it,” Peter says, looking a little bit embarrassed. Sam squints at him. After all that Peter actually likes the sad stubble? That can’t be it…

“Why?”

Peter grins, his hands settling on Sam’s waist, pulling him until they are pressed flush against each other. He leans in until their cheeks brush, bringing his mouth close enough to Sam’s ear that he can feel the puff of hot air against it as Peter breathes. “I kinda like beard burn,” he says softly, his hands tightening on Sam’s hips as he feels him shiver beneath them.

It takes a long while for them to come down from the bathroom, but when they do Peter’s newly hairless face is red and he’s grinning from ear to ear.

“Sam, just the person I was looking for,” Aunt May says when they walk into the room. “I got you a gift.”

If either Sam or May had been paying attention they would have seen Peter’s eyes widen in panic, or noticed his attempts to wave her down. But as it was, both were focused on the bag that she was currently handing over to him.

“Seriously? It’s not even my birthday! Thanks May!” he says happily tearing into the bag.

There’s a beat of silence as Sam pulls the contents of the bag out and holds it up at eye level.

“Sam…” Peter starts, but Sam holds up a hand, cutting him off.

He stares at the hat with a detachable knit beard on it for a second more, turning to take in Peter’s wide worried eyes before he dissolves into giggles, bending almost in half as he wipes at his eyes.

“Th-thank you May,” he wheezes, feeling Peter’s hand on his shoulder as he and May laugh along with him. “I’ll wear it every day this winter. I mean, after all… it’s probably the closest I’ll ever get to having a real beard.”

Peter grins at him, ruffling his hair. “Oh I don’t know. I kinda like what you’ve got,” he says happily, and Sam grins back. He’d made that very clear upstairs.

The best part, he thinks as he stuffs the beard hat back into his bag, is that come winter he’s going to be toasty warm while the rest of his team only has their hair to keep them warm. Well except for Ava. He thinks.

“Hey Sam? I mustache you a question,” Peter says as his aunt leaves to find the rest of the team and say hello. “Are uh… are we good?”

Sam rolls his eyes both at the pun and how awkward his boyfriend is, punching Peter in the shoulder. “Yeah, we’re good loser.”

“Cool. Good talk then. Uh… stay golden.”

Sam snorts, and then they both stand awkwardly before inching in for a weird and extremely uncomfortable hug.

Yeah… come to think of it, Peter is way too awkward to be better than him. Sam doesn’t know what he was thinking. But hey, he’s lucky that Peter is his awkward dork, so maybe that’s all that really matters.


End file.
